John Carter

Type: Disney
Rating: G
Plot: An 19th century man finds himself with the keys to a portal to Mars.
An epic journey of Disney epic proportions, the story of Virginia John Carter traverses the Martian landscape and his adventure unites the last of the great Martian civilizations.
Grade: C-
Comments: In order to forgo excessive wordiness:

  • Not a bad movie.
  • Not a great movie.
  • A long movie.
  • A Disney movie.

Booze Advice: Ahem! G-rated movie people!
Uncle Kappy Says: Two words:
Oh my god this movie was so long.

Brake

Type: Thriller
Rating: PG.
Plot: Several federal agents and US politicians are kidnapped, held in acrylic coffins which are inside several different automobiles in strategic spots up and down the east coast. The automobiles apparently also contain explosives, as several blasts have already been reported in the media and has the country in a panic.
The kidnapper/terrorists are trying to extract the top-secret coordinates of the president’s location. Only one of the victims has the answer.
Everyone else desperately wants the coordinates.
Grade: B
Comments: This one contains all of the ingredients of a good movie: good camerawork, good plot, good acting. All in all, a pretty good movie.
If you like easy-to-follow thrillers you could do a lot worse.
If you’re a Stephen Dorff fan, this should be on your bucket list. How many more movies like this does he have in him?
Booze Advice: This one clearly calls for a Terrorist – 1 oz each of Grand Marnier®, absinthe, bannana liqueur, and coconut liqueur. Put it all in a shaker, add ice and shake, shake, shake. Serve in the glass or cup of your choosing.
Uncle Kappy Says: Tom Berringer looked like he swallowed himself.

Lockout

Type: Sci-Fi
Rating: PG.
Plot: Try to follow along:
- The movie takes place in 2079.
- There are futuristic things in it that we (people circa 2012) can’t understand (such as the inability to geo-locate a mobile phone or the inability to use high-resolution satellite-imaging technology to see through walls).
- There’s a man-made prison in LEO (low Earth orbit) and the prisoners are kept in suspended-animation.
- The President’s daughter, a hippie, is visiting the prison to make sure the prisoners are being treated “humanely”.
- Stuff happens.
- A prison riot ensues.
- All communication with the prison is disrupted.
- A bonehead CIA agent prison guard “accidentally” unsuspends all of the prisoners.
- A recently arrested smart-guy is tasked with blitzkrieging the technically space-bound prison, rescuing the President’s daughter, and guiding her safely back to down to Earth, before the entire prison comes crashing down on Earth due to the failure of it’s control systems.
- Corrupt defense-specialists, moronic LOPDOs (low orbit police department officers), and bumbling CIA spooks unnecessarily complicate matters.
Grade: B-
Comments: Not a big fan of the genre, but this was an interesting if not mildly entertaining movie.
Not a great movie, not a bad movie, not a waste of time.
If you like sci-fi movies and you’ve got time on your hands, this movie’s for you.
If not, then not.
Booze Advice: I reverently recommend a Space Odyssey cocktail – 2 ozs. Bacardi® 151 rum, 1 oz. Malibu® coconut rum. Throw in some pineapple juice, orange juice and grenadine syrup.
Uncle Kappy Says: I can barely understand Angry Birds, and I’m supposed to get all this futuristic future stuff just to watch a movie?
Give me one of those Space Odysseys.
Make it a double.

Dark Shadows

Type: Horror/Drama/Campy Comedy
Rating: M (implied sex; implied vampire sex; implied ghost sex; implied witch sex; violence; murder; death; ghosts; haunted chandeliers, pointed sticks, Helena Bonham Carter).
Plot: After surviving 200 years literally under ground, Barnabas Collins (the heir to Collinswood and the entire city of Collinsville), and a cursed vampire is unearthed and finally able to extract revenge on the wicked witch responsible for the death of his beloved and his present, unholy circumstances.
Grade: A-
Comments: Not having watched the original series, all I can say is I’m very happy I didn’t.
This fine piece of cinema seemed to sum everything up quite nicely, thanks largely to some strategically placed narrative, at the beginning!.
I would have given it an A or even an A+ but for two three things:

  • I don’t like Tim Burton or his movies.
  • I don’t much care for Helena Bonham Carter or movies that she’s in.
  • The comedy bits were more stupid than funny. It would have been better if it were a straight drama/thriller.

Booze Advice: <Cue wicked laugh> Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Seriously, I’m going with a Dark Shadow cocktail – 2 shots of your favorite beer (mine would be Apostle Brau schwarzbier) and 2 shots of your favorite red wine (mine would be any red wine which is red in color).
Uncle Kappy Says: I thought this was supposed to be the story of Joan Collins and her ilk?
I wish Yahoo Movies! would get their act together.
Maybe they should consider getting a new CEO.

Safe

Type: Action/Thriller
Rating: PG-13.
Plot: After putting his opponent into a coma instead of taking a dive, a NYC boxer finds himself in deep doo-doo with Russian mafia-types. With his wife having been killed by the aforementioned Russian mafia-types, he tries to find a purpose in life and crosses paths with a young Chinese girl who’s got plenty of problems of her own.
She’d been forced to memorize a boring string of numbers, whose purpose is kept a secret from her. The young girl’s knowledge of these numbers draws intense interest from the Russian mafia, the Chinese mafia, the CIA mafia, and a small group of military and political leaders.
The boxer and the young girl team up to uncover the mystery of the numbers.
Grade: D-
Comments: I don’t know which of us is more pathetic – Jason Statham for continuing to make the same exact movie over and over again. Or me, for continuing to watch Jason Statham movies.

Let’s look at the facts:

Jason Statham

  • Gets paid to make the same exact movie time and time again.
  • Obviously has no problem making the same exact movie time and time again.
  • Knows nothing of my existence.

Me

  • I pay to watch new (sic) Jason Statham movies time and time again.
  • I made a vow on this site never to watch another Jason Statham movie again, and I broke that vow.
  • I made zero profit on any aspect of any of this.

You make the call.

Booze Advice: This one calls for a Groundhog Day Martini – sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist.
Uncle Kappy Says: Sorry to break this to you dingus, but it was already a widely known fact that you’re a bigger waste of life than Jason Statham.
What I want to know is who told you otherwise?

The Muppets

Type: Family
Rating: G.
Plot: A bad guy tries to foreclose on long-closed Muppet’s Studios so he can gain the oil rights to the studio land. A young boy decides to rally the Muppet troops (Kermit, Fozzy Bear, Miss Piggy, Prof. Beaker, Monster etc.) and organizes a fund-raiser to raise the money to save Muppet’s Studios.
Grade: C
Comments: Close to the original Muppet-style comedy, this one is more for children. It’s probably a great family movie, but definitely not an adult movie, unlike the original movies/show.
Obviously Jim Henson isn’t involved in this but all of the Muppets you know are in it.
If you love the Muppets, you should see this one someday. Don’t rush out to see it.
If you hate the Muppets, any advice I have is probably useless.
Booze Advice:
You know the drill. G movies = no booze advice. I’d think you’d be used to this directive by now.
Uncle Kappy Says: I was sadly disappointed there wasn’t an extended drum solo by Monster.

Get the Gringo

Type: Action
Rating: PG13.
Plot: An American bank robber literally crashes through the Mexican border-fence and finds himself in the hands of less-than-trustworthy local Mexican police.
His money and the arresting officers disappear, and he tries to come up with a plan to find both while trying to survive in a Mexican-style prison.
Grade: C-
Comments: Written, produced-by, and starring Mel Gibson. That should tell you all you need to know about this one.
If you like Mel Gibson or Mel Gibson movies, you’ll probably squeal with delight watching this.
If you hate Mel Gibson or even have just a mild dislike for him, do yourself a favor and skip this movie.
Booze Advice:
Let’s go with a Sombrero (aka a White Mexican) – 1 oz. Jose Cuervo Gold tequila, 1 oz. Kahlua coffee liqueur, and 1 oz. cream.
Uncle Kappy Says:
I love this guy’s tenacity. His movies, not so much.

Red Tails

Type: War/Drama
Rating: G
Plot: Another story about the Tuskegee Airmen.
This one focuses more on their accomplishments than their struggle for equal rights.
Grade: C-
Comments: What you didn’t already know about the Tuskegee Airmen will remain a mystery after watching this one.
Not a bad movie, not great.
Horrible camera-work and terrible acting.
Based on a true story so the dialog basically was the movie.
If you like WWII movies or movies about the Tuskegee Airmen, you could do worse.
If B movies frighten you by their very nature, stay far away from this one.
Booze Advice:
Yeah, um a B52 – 1/3 oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream,1/3 oz. Frangelico, 1/3 oz. Kahlua coffee liqueur.
Uncle Kappy Says:
My sources confirm this one went straight-to-the-discount-DVD-bin. Doesn’t get any worse than that.

The Avengers

Type: Action/Confusion
Rating: W (for Who Cares).
Plot: Ultimate Destruction Week continues as good guys with quasi-super powers battle bad guys from a Scandinavian another planet, who also have super powers.
Both sides seek the ultimate energy source which could change the course of humanity in an apocalyptic way.
A confusing non-stop thriller with plenty of action acting.
Grade: F∞
Comments: This is a bad, bad movie.
It’s like The Hulk meets Thor meets Iron Man meets Peter Skaarsgard. That’s pretty much exactly what it is. Throw in a bunch of boring superheroes, a ton of A-list actors all trying to hog the camera, and you get one gigantic piece of cowflop.
Which is what this movie is.
If you liked The Hulk or Thor or Captain America, this one’s right up your alley, mate.
If you liked Iron Man, The Dark Knight, or Batman Begins, do yourself a favor and hit the gym for a few hours instead of wasting your time on this one.
Booze Advice:
Perfect for this film – a Scandinavian Cocktail:

  • ½ cup smoked salmon
  • ½ cup smoked trout
  • ½ cup cooked prawns
  • 2 tablespoons Rémoulade dressing
  • ¼ cup asparagus tips
  • A few lettuce leaves
  • 4 slices thin toasts
  • A little soy sauce (optional)
  • A little olive oil (optional)
  • A little chives

Put it all in a blender.*
Liquify.
Pour.
Enjoy.
* Ice optional
Uncle Kappy Says:
Box-office schmox-office. Listen to junior up there, this is a bad movie.

Battleship

Uncle Kappy Says: The master-reel of this film should be put onto a battleship and sent to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK – aka North Korea).
A terrifically horrible movie.